I have had two examples recently which underscore the importance of the alignment of what I wish to say with how it is being spoken.
My friend recounts his last twenty-four hours beginning with the declaration “Everything has changed!”. So, I am primed for Wow, what happened and what is this new reality? The story is relatively private so I will limit the details I provide……. Now, how are you going to tell if “Everything has changed” if I don’t give details? For purpose of this essay the details are not critical to the point. When I learned the details, what was said was a new piece of information had been uncovered.
This new information had not changed the story the person had been living for the past five years so I struggled to understand what had changed. He became frustrated with my search for what had changed. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t rejoicing with him about the once lost information is now available. What I was missing was his enthusiasm for what he thought was forever lost was now available. My interpretation was accurate in it did not change the narrative of the last five years, but the hyperbole used to communicate his joy was just as accurate. He was ecstatic for this new discovery.
I was frustrated by “What you said was… EVERYTHING Changed” and what you meant is “I am ecstatic learning about this missing piece of information.” At no time did the speaker choose to clarify he was using hyperbole. I don’t think he thought he was. As you have probably guessed, I can at times be very literal.
Then it happened today where I was this person. I was using hyperbole without being conscious of my doing so. I cited a quote “Riot is the voice of the unheard” by Martin Luther King. What I was focused on was the “unheard” part of the quote and the listener was caught by “Riot.” This resulted in their inner dialogue having them wonder “why was I using a quote focused on the destruction and violence?” Whereas being the speaker, I was continuing on the “Unheard” part not realizing the listener was not with me and therefore not willing to hear my empathy for those who are frustrated by being ignored. I was not tuned into my audience. I was not tuned in to the language I was using, what I was saying. I was expecting the audience to be at the same point of thought as I was which meant they were left with a disconnect.
I am going to use an analogy from my high school basketball days. I was an excellent passer. I learned the secret to being a good passer is to understand I must deliver the ball in a way so it can be caught. If the pass fails, the majority, not all, of the responsibility is on me, the passer. If the person I want to give the ball is being tightly covered by the opponent, it would be reasonable to assume the ball should go to someone else. However, what looks like good coverage to some looked like someone who was open to me. I can find a way to get him the ball. I can find a spot in which my teammate can get to which is also safe from the defender. In this way I am causing my teammate to move to a new spot to successfully complete the pass. I need to deliver it with the right speed, bounce, and location allowing my teammate time to get there. The same thing is true in communication, in conversation. I can lead the listener if I provide enough detail for them to follow.
In the case of the Quote, I spoke “Riot is the voice of the unheard” without any context or preamble to prepare the listener for where I wanted to take the conversation. As a result, the conversation never reached my intended destination. I failed as the speaker to consider where I wanted to take the conversation, the possible different interpretations of the quote, and with these two in mind, what might I need to do to setup the listener so they could follow where I wanted the conversation to go.
How often do you find yourself perplexed by the reaction someone was having to what you are saying? Have you, like me, thought what is their problem? Why can’t they listen to what I meant and stop with the literal interpretation? Would it have been helpful to do more to guide the listener? Consider that the next time someone isn’t understanding you or when you are preparing to deliver something of great importance. Be a guide for your listener.
